What Every Man Should Know

I'm a business professional. I work in the corporate world with grown men every day. And every day I see at least one grown man do something a grown man should never do. And I won't stand for it any longer.

Guys, if you don't know how to properly conduct yourself in a public restroom, you really should learn. Granted, there aren't any written rules, so that can make things tricky. But there simply isn't a valid excuse for violating proper urinal etiquette. Here's a test to sharpen your masculine intuition:

Urinal Selection

You enter a hypothetical men's room (an "x" above a number indicates that urinal is in use). Based on the unspoken code of urinal etiquette, choose the correct urinal at which to stand in each situation.

Situation 1:
|_|x|_|x|_|_|
|1|2|3|4|5|6|

• Correct choice: 6 (If you can leave a space between you and the next guy, do it.)
  

Situation 2:
|x|_|_|_|_|_|
|1|2|3|4|5|6|

• Correct choice: 6 (More distance is better. 5, 4, or 3 are technically acceptable, but they all put you at greater risk of being next to someone arriving later.)

Situation 3:
|_|_|_|_|_|_|
|1|2|3|4|5|6|

• Correct choice: 1 or 6 (Walls are your friends. Both of these choices imply "Don't stand next to me". They also ensure you'll have space on at least one side. This becomes increasingly important in smaller urinal configurations. Given three open urinals, never stand in the middle -- you're begging for company.)

Situation 4:
|_|x|_|x|_|x|
|1|2|3|4|5|6|

• Correct choice: 1 (Never stand between two guys if you can help it. It's not an ideal situation, but at least you've got the wall.)

Situation 5:
|_|x|_|_|x|x|
|1|2|3|4|5|6|

• Correct choice: 4 (Choosing 1 or 3 would "couple" or "pair" you with the guy in 2. That's just awkward. In this situation, there's strength in numbers.)

Situation 6:
|x|x|_|_|x|x|
|1|2|3|4|5|6|

• Correct choice: None (If you can afford to wait, it'd be better to go to the mirror or sink and act busy until the urinals open up a bit more. If you can't, opt for a stall. If you must use a urinal, take your pick.)

Other Unspoken Rules

• No touching. Even accidental contact is unacceptable.
• No talking, unless it's a good friend (even then, keep it strictly business).
  
• No singing or whistling. Seriously.
  
• No sighing. It's embarrassing.
  
• No peeking. Look down or at the wall. (Exception: you may cast a small, quick, suspicious glance to acknowledge a newcomer in a "I see you there/don't try anything funny" kind of way. Never glance at someone directly beside you.)
  
• No eye shutting. Again, embarrassing. And vulnerable.
  
• No cell phones. I can't believe I have to say this.
  
• No preemptive unzipping. Keep your pants on and your fly up all the way to and from the urinal.
• No hands-free operation. If you're one of those guys who keeps their hands on their hips or, worse, puts both hands up against the wall, know this -- everyone else thinks you're gross.
  
• No loitering. Don't just stand there. If you need to take your time, use a stall.
  
• No dawdling. When you're done, wrap it up.
• No splashing. No one wants to hear that.
  
• No mess. You should have learned to aim before you turned three.

Learn these rules. For more information, a search for "Urinal Etiquette" on YouTube will yield several interesting results as well, including a music video (I cannot vouch for the content or quality of these videos, so tread carefully). I also discovered a Urinal Etiquette Game that, alas, I cannot wholeheartedly endorse (at one point, it erroneously advises you not to wash your hands, which is gross. Always wash you hands).

Traveling Light

I'm not a huge fan of extra "stuff". If I won't use it (which means I definitely don't need it), I don't want it. Nor do I want to carry it with me on trips.

Introducing OneBag.com. Apparently, this site has been around for fourteen years, so I can't be too proud of my discovery (in fact, I'm probably one of the last people in the world to find it). Nevertheless, with practical advice on what to pack, what to pack it in, and how to pack it, it seems it's pretty much the authority on traveling light. Site author Doug Dyment argues you can pack everything you need for any trip in one carry-on sized bag. With airlines starting to change for checked luggage, trimming off the extra baggage is becoming an increasingly valuable skill.

Anyway, finding a site so obviously dedicated to efficiency and organization got my neat-freak self all excited. Enjoy!

Don't Drink My Pisco

I love to travel. When I graduated from college, I'd already been to Canada, Japan, and nearly every state in the continental U.S. Not bad for a homeschooled suburban kid from Pennsylvania. Still, that's only a fraction of the world, and I was eager to see more.

Naturally, I jumped at the invitation to accompany Heather on a travel writing and photography trip to Peru, South America this past March. The trip was part of her senior capstone at Rutgers University. It was also a bit of a second honeymoon for us.

From the complex simplicity of the ancient Inca's unshakable stone architecture to the ubiquitous iconography of the Spanish Catholics who slew them, we found ourselves surrounded by pieces of history, civilization, and culture we'd never experienced before. Travel has a curious way of opening one's eyes to the world, of putting things in perspective. It's often surprisingly surprising to discover a normal, everyday existence far different from your own.

We took just under a thousand pictures. We also bartered with the locals for a few small, carefully selected souvenirs and gifts. Mostly, we carried home the memories:

Cuzco, stray dogs, Spanish cathedrals, the Lord of the Earthquake, Ollantayambo, coca leaves, markets, bartering, Cusquena, sunburn, llamas, alpacas, guinea pigs, Aguas Calientes, Passion Week, hot springs, Machu Picchu, Waynapicchu, Lima, graffiti, ceviche, buffet meals, new friends, stimulating conversations...

...and pisco. Pisco is the national hard liqueur of Peru and the chief ingredient in their famous pisco sour (a potent drink indeed at 3,400 meters above sea level). Pisco, it turns out, is also a great name for a hamster. We bought this little guy the week we returned:
Best. Idea. Ever.

Growing Up or Something Like It

"A person's a person, no matter how small"... or young, old, educated...

We people grow and gain knowledge, skills, experience, status, and responsibility all through our lives, but when it comes down to it, we're still the same people. It's kind of weird to think about.

For example, my wife is a recent graduate, but she was once two years old; my niece just turned two, but she'll someday be a graduate and wife. Crazy.

I'm 24 and have a salaried corporate job, but I can still do an embarrassingly accurate imitation of Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars (in his actual language, Huttese) just like I was 10. Yes, people change...but they're still the same.

However you slice it, life is an amazing, peculiar mystery. It's certainly a mystery worth celebrating. So, in the spirit of celebration, two pictures from the weekend's festivities:

Full-priced Coffee & Full-time Jobs

My wife and I recently celebrated the end of an era. On the same day that she finished her last college final at Rutgers University, I finished my last shift for part-time employer Starbucks. The two of us had a modest celebration at our apartment that weekend. However, we didn't completely break ties with those prestigious institutions right away -- she still had to wait two weeks until her graduation ceremony (which was Thursday night!) and I can still use my Starbucks partner numbers to get a discount, which I now feel obligated to do as often as possible before my card is disabled and that privilege is lost. Curse you, Starbucks, I'm spoiled forever!

Heather's family is all here this weekend, so we've been having fun. We had a much larger celebration yesterday -- a joint graduation party/birthday party for Heather and our niece, Lily, who just turned two and could quite possibly be the cutest little girl on the planet. (I'm sure there will be pictures forthcoming.)

Later today, Heather and I are going to NYC to see Spring Awakening on Broadway. We'll explore the city a bit (we haven't been to New York City since the end of last June when I proposed to her), grab some dinner, and I'll probably try to use my Starbucks discount one last time. After that, it'll be back to full-priced coffee and our full-time jobs. That's OK. The end of an era is always the beginning of another, and life, by God's grace, is undoubtedly good.

EDIT: I stand corrected. Turns out Heather and I have been to NYC since we got engaged -- we went with her family on Thanksgiving Day to see the Macy's Day Parade. (We put our heads together and decided we may have been there one other time, too, we're not sure -- we could have just had a dream or seen something on TV that makes us think we did. Whatever.)